Goodbye to the raging winds that doused that fire

I am burning now 

Burning, bright and beautiful

You are that fire

Vivified, I stand

You are with me

You are the Strength

You are the Everything of existence

My questions are answered

You are both.

And I've found peace

My heart is full!

Life is beautiful!

My heart is screaming, joyful and reverberant

So full and extending in reach

May the smoke bring you clarity

May the screams have you silenced

Strange and beautiful

Beautiful nonetheless

Thank You, for guiding me back

Through Him, all things are possible : )

Life has meaning now and everyday is a revelation. Blessed, I truly am.

The Let-go

To final goodbyes, welcome.

I hope.

-----

You held me once on nights like this

I was entangled in the cross of your arms

The air was cold as it blew into the room

But I never noticed

You were warm

You looked into my eyes once on nights like this

Those eyes, so still and beautiful

It was dark that night

The moon was eclipsed and the stars weren't shining

But I never noticed

All there were were your eyes

You kissed me once on nights like this

Rushed breaths and I lost myself

The room was spinning, faster and faster

But I never noticed

For there I lay still in our moment

On nights like this, you did

But not tonight

No, not tonight

And not tomorrow night

Or the next

On nights like this, we were

But not tonight

And not the next

Nor the one after that

The cold air rushes in

The night is dark

This room keeps spinning

No warmth

No eyes

No stillness

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

in Him.

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall.

Each day is a revelation of Your love. I am Your child. I was lost, stubborn, and hateful. I turned my back and everyday walked farther and farther away. Kicking and screaming, I rejected all thoughts of needing You in my life. I was stupid, hurtful, and foolish. Nonetheless, in Your forgiving eyes, I remained Your child. You never left me. You provided, without my asking. You protected, without my knowledge. You loved, unconditional and limitless. 

Rediscovering You is a beautiful feeling. I feel strong, vivified, and beautiful. Despite my skepticism, in my search for meaning, I found You. I am blessed. You are everything. I love You.

Praise God. 

Blessed be the prodigal son, for he has come home.

-- tetel

the loss of logic.

One time - won't hurt.

A second comes -- it's nothing.

A third -- forgivable.

A fourth -- understandable.

A fifth -- it ends here.

I can stop

I can stop

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

When does counting end.

When does reasoning run out.

Lies, uncovered.

Hypocrisy, realized.

Values, burned and buried.

No reason.

No meaning.

Nothing at all.

Stop.

You can stop.

Nine.

A tenth time.

Hear You Me.

We live and stand on an edge.

One push, one misstep and comes the ground.

How frail, faltering and fleeting we can be.

How frail, faltering and fleeting we are.

Our lives intertwine.

No words, no conversations 

But these lives remain entangled

You are me.

I am you.

The lines are blurred.

I am you.

You are me.

No words nor conversations

Entangled, and in knots.

Unaware till that line cuts loose

You are in me.

Without, I am lacking.

We leave marks

We leave memories

No words or conversations

Just memories

Silent smiles

Slight reassurances

You were part of me.

I was part of you.

That light you shed moves on

But it never leaves

Never.

Never.

Never.

----

Condolences. 

I never knew you, but my heart goes out to you and your friends. Unjustified as it seems, Assumptionists are sisters. 

This rock.

Side by side, they sat on that one rock. The water glistened as the sky turned a crimson shade of orange. The sun was setting. The wind was cold, and they shuffled to get warm. They inched closer and closer towards one another. 

Not too close. Not too close.

It'll make it harder.

"It's almost..."

"I know"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault"

"But I still am"

"Me too."

They sat on that one rock. 

A picture of a thousand unspoken words.

They inched closer and closer.

Fully aware of what was coming.

Coming, closer and closer.

The night brings with it goodbyes.

But right now, we have the setting sun, the cool breeze, the glistening water, and this rock.

Abate the night just a moment longer.

Inch closer and closer.

Make room for more painful goodbyes later.

Let's have now.

of growing addictions...

the air grows thick.

i watch the lights.

back and forth.

one direction.

two directions.

none.

the night brings its reflections.

its thoughts.

and that hunger.

explanations, none.

peace of mind, none.

heavy. heavier. and heavier.

the air is thick now.

but it grows thicker.

hand me your match.

there are more bridges to burn.

as if i've burned down enough.

i watch the smoke.

breathe in.

breathe out.

the air is thick.

my vision blurred.

my eyes are strained.

my whispers echo.

louder. louder. louder.

to the wind, i send my woes.

to the sky, i send my thoughts.

to god, i send my soul.

bridges burned.

down they crumble.

down they come.

bridges burned.

done.

addicted.

of collegiate feelings

mabigat.

ano pa ba kailangang sabihin?

- - -

Sayo na lang, Lord. Sayo na lang.

we have...

I missed writing. I'm rusty as hell and my writing style is all over the place. call me a romantic, but this is my way. my style. me. 

that's what you get when you let your heart win.

- - - 

we have a universe.

endless and unfathomable.

strange, odd. crazy, crazy, crazy//beautiful.

we have a universe.

beyond our largest measures.

beyond what we can grasp, we tell ourselves.

yet here it is.

our fingertips graze its edges.

it's not that unfathomable.

it's not that incomprehensible.

yet.

crazy, crazy, crazy//beautiful

the universe and you.

the universe and me.

ours. ours. ours.

we have the universe.

possibilities. emotions. experiences.

it is ours. it is mine. it is yours.

here we dwell.

here we watch.

here we stand.

i hold infinity.

i wrap my arms around its endlessness.

i hold the universe of you and me.

i hold the universe of all that is, should, and could be.

i hold you.

My "you."

you live, own, and are my universe.

in these four walls.

in those words.

that smile. smile. and smile.

in your arms.

in the conversations trapped in your eyes.

in the sound of your silence.

in those glances and lingering stares.

in that familiar nothing.

nothing. 

everything. 

anything.

and nothing.

you.

me. 

my universe.

to quote...

i carry your heart with me

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

I'd just like to say...

I am not emo.

Recently, I've just finding myself filled with lots of words. That's it. No more, no less.

Words, words, words. This is why I've decided that this blog is meant for free-writing. Anything, everything, and nothing at all. 

What's new in life? Everything. Nothing. Absolutely nothing and everything. 

Over-rated. Over-rated. Over-rated.

Sad, really. What a realization.

Prepare for ambiguity.

Mawala kung mawala. Masmadali kaysa sa umasa sa wala.

---

Spin. spin. spin. Things are easier when they're a blur. But once the spinning stops, the blur disappears. Life comes back to focus. The colors go from streaks to faces. The adrenalin stops and consciousness takes over. Reality's a bitter pill that we can't avoid forever.

We could try. 

That would be dumb and futile.

Love like your heart won't get hurt. Even when that subtle ache you suppress continues to hover over every leap, bad judgment, and self-sacrifice. Forget that sting. Forget that wound that lies fresh in your memory. Those hands. That smile. That smell, hair, eyes, and laugh. Forget those pictures of holding hands, kissing in the dark, and candid smiles. Forget the way those arms felt wrapped around you. That sense of belonging is alienated. That sense of purpose is lost. The end comes. And it comes fast. With that end, comes enlightenment, and endless tugs of war between the factions of your psyche. The burden comes as another is lifted. There's an end to make way for a beginning. One is too small to build a world of expectations. It comes and comes again. It's not always right, but that shouldn't stop you. It comes and comes again. Welcome. Open. Don't hold back.

No regrets, they say. 

Live it, instead.

The nightingale's sweet song doesn't stop til perfection. Push against that thorn. Songs so sweet. Songs so beautiful. With that melancholic undertone that can't be taken away. With perfection comes that inevitable end. The end of who you are. The end of all you know. The end of logic and rationale. It's true. It's true. 

Good god, it's true.

MWF

Monday: Math Long Test

Wednesday: Math Long Test

Friday: Math Midterms

In a science course, math is what kills you. HAHAHA. Funny how that works out. 

What the hell did I get myself into. Like shit. I don't even know anymore. I'm not thinking. I think about you. us. what we were. I dunno if I made a mistake. Things are starting to get clearer, and I don't like the picture I'm seeing. Am I just afraid to move on? Or am I afraid that you will?

You're everywhere you know. At least to me, you are.

But here I am. New face, new feelings, new life. But I'm not sure how ready I am for it. I can feel myself digging a hole deeper and deeper.I know that if I go over that edge, I'm gonna have a hard time coming back. It's gonna be a struggle getting back on my feet. Weird thing is, I want to leap in. Like hell, I want to. Good god. One of my defining moments and prolly life-altering choices staring me in the face at 17 years old. 

And I have a long test tomorrow. 

Sabi nga.