Merry 18th Christmas

You guys actually forgot.

It's a dark place I'm in.

Because I loved you and left you too early. I left you for another boy who left me. 

Then I got my shit together. Became a better person.

You started resurfacing. Now and again, it'd be just like it was. Like I was still yours, and you were still mine. 

Then you'd leave again.

I couldn't reconcile the world where we weren't together and the moments where we were. I spent a month trying to find middle ground. 

So I waited. I waited for you to fight for us.

I waited for you to come back and get me.

I waited for you to show me that this time would be different.

But you didn't.

And I waited.

Still you didn't.

And I waited.

You didn't.

I pleaded, even.

Nothing.

I left cause you took me for granted. I left cause I was crying every week. I left cause I couldn't remember the moments where we were truly happy anymore. I left cause you grew cruel. I left cause you grew cold. While I pushed on. I fought for us. Over and over again, I fought. 

Your turn.

You didn't.

You say, not now. I don't want to wait anymore. What will it take to make you see that you've lost me? 

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm done with the fight. I've said this a million times. But damn, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of hurting you. I'm so tired of being hurt. We're entitled to nothing from each other, right? 

We broke up.

It'll be over soon.

This hurt comes first.

The mourning, reminiscing, and regret.

Acceptance comes next.

Acceptance, come faster?

The big 1-8

So they say, 18 is a big number. The child goes away, and the adult takes its place. 20 days from now, I'll be turning 18. 18 years of my life has passed and I wonder what I have to show for it.

I find myself asking...

Was I a good person?

Was I of consequence to the world?

If you burned all evidence of my existence (pictures, paperwork, etc), would anyone remember me?

Who

in 

the

world

am 

I

Existential questions greet me as I find myself on the brink of adulthood. Adolescence and, before that, childhood have been my companions for whatever snippet of life I know. Here I am, called to a new chapter. It's coming, there's no doubt about that. There's no stopping it either. But am I ready to man up and be counted as an adult?

I guess, it doesn't matter. 

18 feels no different. It shouldn't. A good person, a person of consequence, someone to remember does not exist only at 18. It starts now. It's all a matter of choice, of faith, and of action. Who I am escapes me because I haven't fully comprehended the source from whom we should pool our identity: the Everlasting.

Today, I attended Devo with CADs. We talked about faith and righteousness. Believing comes first. Surrendering yourself comes first. Acknowledging Him is first. Righteousness is not based on good deeds but on faith. 

Beautiful.

Do you see how much He loves us?! 

Doesn't it make your heart full?

So on my the night of my 18th, the night we celebrate the coming of Christ to our world. The night we celebrate the greatest manifestation of God's love, I only wish for one thing: that He be the center.

I want to surrender myself. 

Then I believe that I will be of consequence, I will be a good person, I will be righteous.

The child does not go away at 18, I believe. Every man remains a child, so long as he has the Father with him.

Kasi Waley

It was simpler when you didn't show me love.

Damn. 

R, I still love you and I'm trying so hard to let go. 

But I haven't.

Bounce bounce bounce

Let's try tumblr.

Moving around: Check this out

My heart is full

There is no you.

There is no us.

There is no doubting.

There are no hugs that feel like you were made for those arms.

There are no kisses that take your breath away.

No heart jolts.

No momentary lapses.

There are no entangled hands and scrambling to stay warm.

There is no falling asleep beside each other.

There are no cuddles.

There are no words that make you giggle like a little girl.

There are no fights.

There are no break-ups.

Then no kiss and make-ups.

There is no hurting.

But my heart is full.

I have my hugs.

I have my little kisses.

I have my cuddles.

I have my moments that make me smile and giggle like a little girl.

Still no you.

But my heart is full.

I am content.

I am happy.

I have me.

I have Him.

I have friends and new family.

That's enough.

My heart is full.

Beautiful.

Broken

You're wonderful, sweet, thoughtful, and nice.

Why can't I let myself like you?

I want to

But it's not in the cards just yet.

I hope I don't screw this up.

Freedom

Hello, sembreak. I can hear you calling.

Hey, I miss you guys. No forgetting. Never : ) 

There's no escaping

I hurt you

then

Someone else hurt me.

It felt like the world was pulled from under my feet. I was looking for solid ground. I still am. 

It'll be okay.

At least, that's how I remember it goes.

* * *

whydoistillcare?whydoistillcare?whydoistillcare?whydoistillcarewhydoistillcarewhydoistillcarewhydoistillcarewhydoistillcarewhydoistillcare.

Brushfire

An ember, dim and dying, left to play with the wind becomes a brushfire, threatening and sinister

Fire is inevitable for lives lived on edges

It is terrifying and malignant

Fire!!

Water?!

There's never enough water

First comes the pain, losing, and longing

This goes on, as if there were no end

Writhing and struggling

but there's never enough water

Then all is lost

Ashes and broken spirits are all that remain

For there will never be enough water

There will always be a hiding ember, dim as it could ever be, trying his luck with the wind

and there will never be enough water

and all will be lost

Rebirth

Like a phoenix revived from ashes, bathed in a blazing splendor

Here comes flight and possibility

and we kiss the sky and dance with clouds

And all that was lost returns vivified

Fire is a terrifying force

It is beautiful

It is poetic.

I am really really really mad

It just made me really sad. 

I joined Living Dreams in their annual outreach with the orphans of Asilo today. Woke up at 6.30 am, then left the house at 7. My sister and I were in EK by 8 am. 

I am just so confused. I don't understand what happened there. We were supposed to take care of a child each. 

How could people leave the kids they were supposed to take care of? I would watch them stroll around EK with their friends while their kids were wandering the park grounds alone. They would complain about every little thing. They would announce that they wanted to buy hotdogs and not even offer to the kids. They were rude, mean, and just... disgraceful. I could really tell that the kids were, at a certain level, disappointed. Wow, that made my heart hurt the most : ( The kids were looking forward to this day for a really long time. I can't believe they left them. People treated them like accessories. Go here. Go there. Come here. Hold this. Stop moving. Do you really want to ride that? Some made it an outing with friends. Hence, the strolling around the park with their barkada rather than with their partners. The essence of the project was lost. It was an outreach : ( Some people wouldn't even bother when their kids went missing for 30 minutes. 

It doesn't make sense : (

I personally found the whole experience fulfilling. For the most part, my sister and I took care of 6 children (instead of the supposed 2). Maura, Mary Grace, Josephine, Marian, Rolando, and Matet. Beautiful children. Beautiful souls. I was tired today, but they really made it worth it : ) 

Good experience, yeahp.

It's just that one thing that ---aaaaahhhhh-----

How people treated some of the children just makes me mad!! What were their reasons for volunteering at all? To make themselves look good? To have a reason to go to Enchanted Kingdom? 

ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

It really does make my heart heavy : (

* * * *

Maura: "Ate, buti pa kayo. Hindi niyo kami iniiwan"

!$(*#^()!*()*^!%&$(*U^(%$*^()*#!)*^()#$*^(!$&%^(!*&()*)(#*^(#)$&^!)$%^&$%(@!@$!(@P#*%@)($^&)(!*$()!&%()!#&%(^!*$)^(*@$)(^*@$

ARGH

Naked as we came

Lies are all we have.

Shed them and things rush in

Like the subtle wave you watched grow in the distance

Or the night that crept in from the edges of the horizon

It was coming

But you pushed it to the corners of your mind

I have time

You hug and share tearful goodbyes with the setting sun.

You're knee deep in the water 

Those gentle orbs clinging on to nostalgic sunlight is straining

Wading, wading, and wading

Waiting for the fall-down

My lies have been shed.

Washed away, with arms flailing

A Fine Frenzy

I made it so easy to walk in and out.

You never anticipate it, I suppose. You lose yourself in the moment. In those moments of outlining faces with fingertips and tucking hair behind those ears, you throw out all your best deceptions. You're left wanting, doubting, and disgusted with yourself. You look at the mirror and see someone you hardly know.

I'm tired of trying to get back on my feet. All the while hoping someone comes to sweep me right off them again.

Love me. Choose me. Pick me -- she said. I'm finding that they almost never do.

Against my parents' advice

I talked to four strangers today. 4 people, I never knew before but shared something with today. They were part of my day, and I was part of theirs. 3 of them I may never meet again. 1 may be a future friend : ) Oh, I do hope so. It'd be lovely to make a new friend.

So my day started early. I woke up at 6.30 am : ) Thank God I even got up : P I left the apartment at around 7. As I was leaving, my neighbor in the adjacent apartment was leaving too. It was the first time I saw someone come out of that apartment and I've been living in Xanland for a couple of months now. We smiled at each other and I decided to just blurt out, "Good morning!" We rode the elevator together and we exchanged some words. Then, we walked to school together. She's a Freshman, Management Economics major, who also happens to be living alone. She talked about how boring it was in the condo and I agreed. It really is boring sometimes. I'm glad I met her. I hope we get to know each other better. It would make living in Katipunan a lot less lonely.

I was thinking about it as I walked home from Math class. I was on the blue bridge and I realized that independence is overrated when it's a solitary thing. I live alone. I have the liberty to do whatever I want to. I can go out at night. I can leave my place messy. I can do whatever I want to. However, it's not as fun when all you have is yourself. You eat alone. You do homework alone. You go to sleep alone. That queen-sized bed that sits inside your bedroom will only ever house your small tiny frame and no one else's. The dining table with 2 chairs is only occupied by you (and the books you borrowed from Rizal Lib). The huge variety of cup noodles and cookies are mostly enjoyed by you. Everything is alone. It made me realize that I miss home. The contrast between my life in the south and my life here in Katipunan is just so stark. At home, sometimes I'd be lying down on my bed and suddenly my dog would come and greet me. Sometimes my little nephew, whom I love so so so much, would run in screaming, "Nanang." He'd climb onto my bed and we would dance together or just sit and stare at each other's shoes. I don't have my drivers and maids to goof around with. I don't have that tiny little sari-sari store down the street to buy whatever it is I'm looking for and run into friends. I can't climb into my parents' bed and sleep as my dad snores a symphony while my mother watches CSI. 

No matter what issues may lie underneath. My home is still my home.

But I'm so thankful because I've been learning so much. I've learned to be trusting and ask for help sometimes. I've learned to be conscious of the people around me. Everyday, I start to recognize the little blessings God gives me. My day usually starts with a "Good morning Tetel!" from the guards of my building and those of Security Bank. At night, new friends like Bong or Anton would offer to bring me home from training. I would take a tricycle to school sometimes and the other trike drivers would smile and tell whoever was driving the one I was going to ride, "alagaan niyo si ate, ha!" Sometimes I would share a few words with people I ride the elevator with. We'd smile, greet each other, and wish each other the best. It's just amazing. This whole experience is making me realize that cynicism about others is irrational when you recognize the goodness of the people you encounter every day.

I spent today laughing. Literature and Math were fun today. I really feel the vibe of college. I'm starting to realize that I do have a lot to say and they're things that merit attention. Everyone does. I'm starting to share the things that I used to keep myself because I was embarrassed by them. I'm voicing out my opinions and interpretations. It's just such a good feeling : )

* * *

The three other strangers I talked to were tricycle drivers. The ban of tricycles across Katipunan was lifted and I'm glad to see them lined up across Katipunan again. To a certain extent, I guess they're part of the culture here. Trikes make it feel more like Katipunan. At least for me :P I did miss them. HAHA. God, I'm so weird. Today I met Kuya Rolly and two other tricycle drivers. I only caught Kuya Rolly's name because I spent the most time with him. We talked as he filled up his tank with gas in Petron. For the most part, when I heard the news about the tricycle ban, I was concerned about the trike drivers and their families. I don't really take trikes, so I wouldn't be so affected. But how about them? Gas prices are up and now a trike ban? That was just unfair. How would they make a living? I could only imagine what they were going through. Today, as I shared conversations with three tricycle drivers, I guess the full extent of the ban's repercussions really hit me. It was really hard for them, they said. They hardly made anything. Before the trike ban was imposed they were only making 200 to 300 a day. "Basta makakain, ayos lang diba?" Kuya Rolly said with a smile. It was a lot more difficult when the MMDA decided to go on that poorly thought-of resolution to the traffic situation of Katipunan. I can only imagine how horrible that ban must've been. I'm just glad that things are okay now. I hope it stays that way. I enjoyed that ride with Kuya Rolly. He was such a friendly person. It was really heartwarming how he joked and smiled a lot. He even turned down my offer to buy him gas! I'm glad I met him today. I hope I meet him again some time in the future : )

* * *

So maybe on weekdays I don't have my dog, Cocoa, my nephew, EJ, my drivers, Lito and Johnny, my maids or my parents. I'm just glad to realize that family comes in different forms. I have CADs. I have friends, from other schools, who call and visit. I have my blockmates, XX1. I have Mang Elmer and the other guards of Xanland. I have my friends from Ateneo. I have people like Kuya Rolly. I have my coursemates. I have Him : ) It may not be perfect but I really do think it's a damn good alternative.

* * *

It's a good day so far. I just wanted to share it. I do hope my neighbor and I get to know each other better. It'd be absolutely awesome to have a friend here in the condo. At least, maybe someday I can fill the other chair in my dining table : P

Sayo na lang, Lord.

Lord...

lahat ng aking pinagkakaabalahan

lahat ng aking pagkakamali

lahat ng aking sinisisi

lahat ng ayaw ko nang pagisipan pa

lahat ng nais kong kalimutan

lahat ng kaba, takot, at pagkawala ng tiwala sa sarili, 

lahat ng aking pagdududa sa aking kakayahan, 

ang aking kahinaan, 

ang aking pagsuko sa tukso

ang aking paghihirap at pagtitiis

ang sakit at pagkabigo

lahat ng kaguluhan sa aking mga kaisipan

lahat ng aking mga sentimento

lahat ng aking mga tanong

lahat ng hindi ko maintindihan

Maslalo na ang lahat na nais ko nang iiwan

Lahat ng aking mga dinadala

Lahat ng nagpapabigat ng aking mga damdamin

Inaalay ko sayo.

Ikaw ang lakas na nagdadala sa akin sa halip ng paghihirap.

Para sa iyo Lord.

Sayo na  ang lahat ng ito.

Sayo na lang, Lord.

Sayo na lang.

Story Telling

It's a weight off my chest. There's hope for this family, yet : )

Good therapy session. Finally they're listening. Thank God they're listening. Here's to my brother's speedy recovery : )

On a side note: I AM SO STOKED TO SEE MY FRIENDS TOMORROW XP I love you all so much and I miss you very dearly.

Goodbye to the raging winds that doused that fire

I am burning now 

Burning, bright and beautiful

You are that fire

Vivified, I stand

You are with me

You are the Strength

You are the Everything of existence

My questions are answered

You are both.

And I've found peace

My heart is full!

Life is beautiful!

My heart is screaming, joyful and reverberant

So full and extending in reach

May the smoke bring you clarity

May the screams have you silenced

Strange and beautiful

Beautiful nonetheless

Thank You, for guiding me back

Through Him, all things are possible : )

Life has meaning now and everyday is a revelation. Blessed, I truly am.

The Let-go

To final goodbyes, welcome.

I hope.

-----

You held me once on nights like this

I was entangled in the cross of your arms

The air was cold as it blew into the room

But I never noticed

You were warm

You looked into my eyes once on nights like this

Those eyes, so still and beautiful

It was dark that night

The moon was eclipsed and the stars weren't shining

But I never noticed

All there were were your eyes

You kissed me once on nights like this

Rushed breaths and I lost myself

The room was spinning, faster and faster

But I never noticed

For there I lay still in our moment

On nights like this, you did

But not tonight

No, not tonight

And not tomorrow night

Or the next

On nights like this, we were

But not tonight

And not the next

Nor the one after that

The cold air rushes in

The night is dark

This room keeps spinning

No warmth

No eyes

No stillness

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

in Him.

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall.

Each day is a revelation of Your love. I am Your child. I was lost, stubborn, and hateful. I turned my back and everyday walked farther and farther away. Kicking and screaming, I rejected all thoughts of needing You in my life. I was stupid, hurtful, and foolish. Nonetheless, in Your forgiving eyes, I remained Your child. You never left me. You provided, without my asking. You protected, without my knowledge. You loved, unconditional and limitless. 

Rediscovering You is a beautiful feeling. I feel strong, vivified, and beautiful. Despite my skepticism, in my search for meaning, I found You. I am blessed. You are everything. I love You.

Praise God. 

Blessed be the prodigal son, for he has come home.

-- tetel

the loss of logic.

One time - won't hurt.

A second comes -- it's nothing.

A third -- forgivable.

A fourth -- understandable.

A fifth -- it ends here.

I can stop

I can stop

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

When does counting end.

When does reasoning run out.

Lies, uncovered.

Hypocrisy, realized.

Values, burned and buried.

No reason.

No meaning.

Nothing at all.

Stop.

You can stop.

Nine.

A tenth time.

Hear You Me.

We live and stand on an edge.

One push, one misstep and comes the ground.

How frail, faltering and fleeting we can be.

How frail, faltering and fleeting we are.

Our lives intertwine.

No words, no conversations 

But these lives remain entangled

You are me.

I am you.

The lines are blurred.

I am you.

You are me.

No words nor conversations

Entangled, and in knots.

Unaware till that line cuts loose

You are in me.

Without, I am lacking.

We leave marks

We leave memories

No words or conversations

Just memories

Silent smiles

Slight reassurances

You were part of me.

I was part of you.

That light you shed moves on

But it never leaves

Never.

Never.

Never.

----

Condolences. 

I never knew you, but my heart goes out to you and your friends. Unjustified as it seems, Assumptionists are sisters. 

This rock.

Side by side, they sat on that one rock. The water glistened as the sky turned a crimson shade of orange. The sun was setting. The wind was cold, and they shuffled to get warm. They inched closer and closer towards one another. 

Not too close. Not too close.

It'll make it harder.

"It's almost..."

"I know"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault"

"But I still am"

"Me too."

They sat on that one rock. 

A picture of a thousand unspoken words.

They inched closer and closer.

Fully aware of what was coming.

Coming, closer and closer.

The night brings with it goodbyes.

But right now, we have the setting sun, the cool breeze, the glistening water, and this rock.

Abate the night just a moment longer.

Inch closer and closer.

Make room for more painful goodbyes later.

Let's have now.

of growing addictions...

the air grows thick.

i watch the lights.

back and forth.

one direction.

two directions.

none.

the night brings its reflections.

its thoughts.

and that hunger.

explanations, none.

peace of mind, none.

heavy. heavier. and heavier.

the air is thick now.

but it grows thicker.

hand me your match.

there are more bridges to burn.

as if i've burned down enough.

i watch the smoke.

breathe in.

breathe out.

the air is thick.

my vision blurred.

my eyes are strained.

my whispers echo.

louder. louder. louder.

to the wind, i send my woes.

to the sky, i send my thoughts.

to god, i send my soul.

bridges burned.

down they crumble.

down they come.

bridges burned.

done.

addicted.