Merry 18th Christmas

You guys actually forgot.

It's a dark place I'm in.

Because I loved you and left you too early. I left you for another boy who left me. 

Then I got my shit together. Became a better person.

You started resurfacing. Now and again, it'd be just like it was. Like I was still yours, and you were still mine. 

Then you'd leave again.

I couldn't reconcile the world where we weren't together and the moments where we were. I spent a month trying to find middle ground. 

So I waited. I waited for you to fight for us.

I waited for you to come back and get me.

I waited for you to show me that this time would be different.

But you didn't.

And I waited.

Still you didn't.

And I waited.

You didn't.

I pleaded, even.

Nothing.

I left cause you took me for granted. I left cause I was crying every week. I left cause I couldn't remember the moments where we were truly happy anymore. I left cause you grew cruel. I left cause you grew cold. While I pushed on. I fought for us. Over and over again, I fought. 

Your turn.

You didn't.

You say, not now. I don't want to wait anymore. What will it take to make you see that you've lost me? 

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm done with the fight. I've said this a million times. But damn, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of hurting you. I'm so tired of being hurt. We're entitled to nothing from each other, right? 

We broke up.

It'll be over soon.

This hurt comes first.

The mourning, reminiscing, and regret.

Acceptance comes next.

Acceptance, come faster?

The big 1-8

So they say, 18 is a big number. The child goes away, and the adult takes its place. 20 days from now, I'll be turning 18. 18 years of my life has passed and I wonder what I have to show for it.

I find myself asking...

Was I a good person?

Was I of consequence to the world?

If you burned all evidence of my existence (pictures, paperwork, etc), would anyone remember me?

Who

in 

the

world

am 

I

Existential questions greet me as I find myself on the brink of adulthood. Adolescence and, before that, childhood have been my companions for whatever snippet of life I know. Here I am, called to a new chapter. It's coming, there's no doubt about that. There's no stopping it either. But am I ready to man up and be counted as an adult?

I guess, it doesn't matter. 

18 feels no different. It shouldn't. A good person, a person of consequence, someone to remember does not exist only at 18. It starts now. It's all a matter of choice, of faith, and of action. Who I am escapes me because I haven't fully comprehended the source from whom we should pool our identity: the Everlasting.

Today, I attended Devo with CADs. We talked about faith and righteousness. Believing comes first. Surrendering yourself comes first. Acknowledging Him is first. Righteousness is not based on good deeds but on faith. 

Beautiful.

Do you see how much He loves us?! 

Doesn't it make your heart full?

So on my the night of my 18th, the night we celebrate the coming of Christ to our world. The night we celebrate the greatest manifestation of God's love, I only wish for one thing: that He be the center.

I want to surrender myself. 

Then I believe that I will be of consequence, I will be a good person, I will be righteous.

The child does not go away at 18, I believe. Every man remains a child, so long as he has the Father with him.